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10 Myths About BDSM Debunked

There are a lot of myths surrounding the BDSM community about practices, gatherings, wealth, and what kind of people participate. Let’s just go ahead and straighten out some of these misconceptions.

1: Extravagance is one of the most visible misconceptions about BDSM participants and it revolves around wealth and status. You can see this mythical depiction in internet memes and popularized novels spreading images of expensive suits and dinner dresses, lavish penthouse dungeons, and people too beautiful to be real.

While I’m sure there are some exuberantly wealthy folks that do participate in the lifestyle, they’re not the norm. We’re carpenters, plumbers, fast food cashiers, and stay-at-home parents. Wealth or status is not a requirement for our community.

2: The tools make the Dom. An expensive, hand tooled flogger is useless in the hands of someone who doesn’t know how to use it. While quality tools and toys are important (cheap items are often unsafe), they don’t have to be extravagantly priced and the purchase does not include the skill required to wield them.

A $20 flogger is worth more in the hands of a Dominant who knows how to use it than a $200 flogger in the hand of someone who doesn’t.

3: Submissives are meek, petite, and always down to get it on. Popular depictions and stereotypes of submissives paint us as very docile creatures; always petite or muscular, usually brunette, hypersexual and never outspoken.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. We subs come in all different shapes, sizes, genders, temperaments, and libido. There is no cookie cutter mold we fit into and while some of us may enjoy being objectified in the right circumstances, we are all still people.  We are here to grow and fulfill ourselves and I hope you are as well.

4: The all-knowing, invulnerable Dominant doesn’t exist. Period. Quite often I see people talk about how their Dominant knows them better than they know themselves and they have an almost supernatural intuition about their needs and desires. While this may be true (I feel the same way about my Dominant at times), no Dominant is omniscient or perfect.

Dominants are people and as such are subject to all of the traits, strengths, and weaknesses that befall the human condition. They cannot read minds and they have vulnerabilities and insecurities just like everyone else. No matter how long you’ve been involved or how well you know each other, open communication is still of utmost importance. If you need or want something they are not providing, you have to tell them and you should not be afraid to do so. They are there to serve you just as much as you are there to serve them, just in different ways.

5: Seedy sex dungeons. Outsiders often believe gatherings of the BDSM community involve sordid orgies in scuzzy concrete basements filled with depravity and abuse.

While we do have dungeons, they’re not seedy or scuzzy. They’re nice, clean, well maintained spaces with equipment and furniture the average kinkster doesn’t have access to at home. Everything is cleaned and sanitized before and after every use. There are people called Dungeon Monitors charged with the task of ensuring a safe environment and safe practices patrolling around, making sure no one gets hurt.

I believe I already clarified the abuse part but let’s keep beating that dead horse until there’s nothing left: BDSM is not abuse. One word stops all activity in BDSM, no words will stop abuse.

6: BDSM participants are mentally unhealthy. People tend to think we have mental health problems ranging from “daddy issues” to Stockholm syndrome because of our unconventional tastes. A common assumption is that submissives were abused in their past and Doms are just bullies and abusers looking for victims.

While the psychology community is still debating the pros and cons of practicing BDSM, it appears that the pendulum is finally swinging in the right direction. More and more studies are concluding that “BDSM can be thought of as recreational leisure rather than a psychopathological expression” of mental disorder.

7: Submissives are women and Dominants are men. Ugh. Gender stereotypes are everywhere!

Dominants are women and submissives are men too. Your role as a sub or Dom has nothing to do with your gender.

8: Female Dominants hate men and male submissives are sissy, feminine boys. Oh look! More gender stereotypes! The female Dominant, often referred to as a Mistress or Domme, is commonly perceived as a misandrist, while the male submissive is seen as weak and emasculated. Not only is this misconception prevalent in the vanilla world, it also has a surprising presence in the BDSM community. Male submissives and female Dominants have a hard time finding a place to fit into in the community.

Unfortunately this misconception has overshadowed the fact that Mistresses and male submissives are no different from anyone else who participates in BDSM. They’re just regular folks too, with their own kinks and preferences.

9: Dominants are sadists and submissives are masochists. When someone reveals themselves as a BDSM participant it is often assumed that they are also masochists or sadists.

This simply isn’t the case. While masochism is fairly common among submissives they are not inclusive to each other. Many submissives and BDSM participants of other roles do not enjoy pain in the slightest and prefer the feather to the flogger.

10: No means Yes. This is another myth that is present in both the vanilla and kink communities when it comes to BDSM.

Consent is one of the cornerstones of BDSM; it’s the thing that separates what we do from abuse. Without consent (is the horse corpse gone yet?) there is no BDSM, only abuse. Safewords should always be in place and respected before any activity takes place. When consent is revoked, everything stops, always.

There is a lot of misinformation out there so make sure to be diligent and thoroughly research whatever it is you might be interested in.

If you know any myths that need to be debunked you can leave them in the comments below and I’ll check them out!

 

 

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